METAVIRA – Before there was Blackwater there was A.I.M.

Those of you who have read my chronicled exploits might recall that I had a brief and tenuous relationship with Association of International Mercenaries, a free wheelin’, death-dealin’ little outfit I discovered by way of the classic 1994 DOS game, Jagged Alliance.

Produced by Sir-Tech, developers and publishers of the Wizardry series, Jagged Alliance is a classic top-down, point/turn-based RPG.

Jagged Alliance didn’t spark my interest—alright, fine, obsession— with the world of mercenaries, now rebranded “private security contractors,” and eventually my morbid fascination with just how batshit loco sub-Saharan Africa can get.

You play a mercenary subcontractor who has been called to the island Metavira, a former nuclear testing site in The Tropics. 50′s-style hot scientist, Brenda Richards, has discovered that nuclear testing on the island has caused indigenous trees to produce sap that could Cure the Sick of the world. Sadly, 50′s-style evil assistant, Santino, decides that he will have all the sap, hire some goons, and wring his hands while cackling madly.

This is where you and your speed-dial connection to A.I.M. come in.

Brenda’s father, Ernest Hemingway, er, Jack Richards, hires you on to fight, sector by sector across the island, securing sap-bearing trees, hiring workers and militia to maintain and guard sap production in exchange for a cut of the sap profits. With the the cash-a-flowin’, you have your selection of 60 of A.I.M.’s finest (and not-so-finest-but-still-fun) operatives to form a crack eight-man team of heavily accented yahoos to do your dirty work. Don’t get too cocky just yet, though; not all of the mercs feel you have proven yourself enough to hire right off from the start and some mercs simply refuse to work with each other. This is one of the places where the game really shines, that is, each one of the 60 mercs is like a hand-painted homicidal Hummel Figurine, with different personalities, characteristics, and over-the-top accented voice-acting. Some are dead eyed super soldiers, while others have explosives, mechanical, or medical skills – all necessary skills to have somewhere in the party if you want to see any kind of success. There is are plenty of deadly goodies to be found or created from the schmutz you find around the island. Be prepared, though: unless you hire on some mercs with better starting armaments, your first few days of combat to be spent using old police .38 revolvers. One indignity after another, know what I mean?

After you get a feel for the gameplay, I think you will come to realize what a hidden gem this game was back in ’94 when my friend Choate and I discovered the shareware (oh, shit, do you remember shareware? I feel so fucking old) on his bitchin’ 486. This was the era when the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis were KINGS and the computer was really only good for three things: pointlessly hyper-violent Doom-clones and charming-but-harmless Lucas Arts / Sierra “adventure” games. To have a game this edgy and a world so well-imagined spring into my consciousness threw me for a loop from which I have yet to escape.

After the initial title, the Jagged Alliance series has been blighted with continual intellectual property disputes and bankruptcies. Through all this, a sequel-come-spin-off called Jagged Alliance: Deadly Games was released in 1995. Deadly Games featured a more linear series of missions as opposed to the original game’s open-ended style of land-seizing. Some new guns, a mission editor, and network play. But on the whole, same ol’ game.

In 1999, further confusion ensued when another sequel was released, Jagged Alliance 2. Now, I’ve never had much of a mind for math… but it seems that this is the second sequel and so another “I” needs to be stuck on, am I right? [eyeroll]

Whatever, moving on. Jagged Alliance 2 changed the camera angle by 45 degrees for more of an isometric view of Arulco, a south American nation in the grasp of a Cruella DeVil style dictator who seized power by way of coup d’etat (my very favorite type of d’etat). Open-ended like the first JA title, this game is awash with nooks and crannies of stories, subplots, weapons modification, and piles on piles of guns. Plus, mutant cockroaches. Many of your favorite mercs from the first games (most notably, my boy, Grunty) return for further action with a vast expansion to the amount of ticks, quirks, and foibles of the previous games. The voice actors from Jagged Alliance 2 must have been able to retire after voicing prolonged complaints about pay, sadistic self-congratulatory celebrations over head-shots, and lusting after other mercs (no, for real… it’s actually kind of sweet). Not a bad piece of game, but plagued by bugs (computer AND giant sci-fi versions). This game also had a one-off, Jagged Alliance 2: Unfinished Business, which like Dangerous Games, is linear. There’s a guy that got away, he’s got missiles, go kill him.

This is the point where Jagged Alliance’s fate goes from merely misnumbered to completely knackered. Back in 2004, it was announced that a Russian developer would create the next two Jagged Alliance games, Jagged Alliance 3D and Jagged Alliance 3. OK, let’s take a look at this: first of all, didn’t we stop tacking “3D” onto the tail end of a game title back in ’96 when Duke Nukem 3D came out? Isn’t EVERY game 3D now? OR are we talking FOR REAL 3D with the glasses and Smell-O-Vision? Either way, neither game ever appeared. Nope: just Jagged Alliance 2 in 3D. Didn’t matter, though. Things went tits up by 2006, other developers were brought in, screen shots were released, shitcanned, then two MORE Russian developers, release date of 2008, nope, trailer at 2007 E3, release date 2010, ahhhhhhhhh, forget it.

Most recently, the original Jagged Alliance was re-released on the Nintendo DS to less-than-stellar reviews. Gamespot points to the clumsy interface, dated graphics, and inappropriate map-size for the DS’s dual screens. While I don’t doubt these claims hold true I think I can diagnose the real problem with this version without even playing it: it’s on a Nintendo DS, a game system based around catching electric mice and shelling shrimp. You should be ashamed for trying to play a game so bad ass on such a candyass little kid toy.

No need for that gimmicky nonsense anyhow, gang, you can get the real deal ON THE FREE-LIKE right here [x]

Cash’s Quick Jagged Alliance Tips

-for a few days your team will look pretty flimsy but that said, Grunty is always a good choice. He levels well and can hold is own well into end game. Hurl isn’t a bad option for a medic, either. He’s whiny though and Fidel… ooh, Fidel does not like him.

-look, here’s some fun recipes on the back of the grenade: “Try a mustard gas grenade through a window into a small room or use a grenade as a skeleton key on any wooden door!” Seriously, throwing shit through windows or blowing out walls with explosives are some of the most satisfying aspects of this game

-try take at least one sector (preferably two) a day

-if you’ve GOT to travel through deep water, make sure you have a knife. And don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

-If your merc’s overall health drops below 75%, consider leaving them home to get patched up. Injury turns a merc gimpy and thus a liability to both themselves and their squadmates.

-there’s more than one native. If they happen to kick off (cough) or you fire them, eventually you’ll score a guy with good Mechanical skill who can stay home and fix all the busted junk you find and keep your team’s gear in tip-top shape.

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