OIL-SOAKED EQUATORIAL GUINEA — There is very little in this world that I can officially say has “blown my mind” or “floored me,” but while I was writing my chronicles, I brushed briefly with a fictitious version of Simon Mann based on his then recent arrest for some kinda botched mercenary operation. A few months later, thanks to my fine associate, playwright and raconteur, Timothy Charles Browne, I got my hands on The Wonga Coup: Guns, Thugs, and a Ruthless Determination to Create Mayhem in an Oil-Rich Corner of Africa by Adam Roberts only to discover— much to my bemused chagrin— that The Truth was ever so much more crazy—so completely and jaw-droppingly half-baked and unhinged— that I never ever would have thought it up even with my promise to make my blog the most over-the-top nonsense possible.

God damn you, The Truth! Why do I even bother?!

Roberts’ book was, and still is, the best thing I’ve ever read with the possible exception of Sam & Max: Surfin’ the Highway.

THE PLOT: some mercenaries try to overthrow a tiny blip of a country in Africa, install a new president who will grant them the contracts to re-arm and train the country’s army for obscene amounts of money and fail.

Sounds pretty cut and dried, right?

BWA! Fools! This is the Greatest Comedy of Errors of Our Time! Allow me to explain by way of introducing…

THE PLAYERS!

OIL-SOAKED-EQUATORIAL GUINEA

Ah, she is beautiful, no? Not just the armpit of Africa, the greasy and matted granola-grrl armpit of Africa. Or so it was until 1995 when some industrious gents discovered it wasn’t so much greasy as oily. Suddenly, the world sprang seven types of boners for this country the size of Maryland.

Central Intelligence Agency, break it down for me:

Equatorial Guinea gained independence in 1968 after 190 years of Spanish rule COUGHimportantCOUGH. This tiny country, composed of a mainland portion plus five inhabited islands, is one of the smallest on the African continent. President Teodoro OBIANG NGUEMA MBASOGO has ruled the country since 1979 when he seized power in a coup. Although nominally a constitutional democracy since 1991, the 1996 and 2002 presidential elections – as well as the 1999 and 2004 legislative elections – were widely seen as flawed. The president exerts almost total control over the political system and has discouraged political opposition. Equatorial Guinea has experienced rapid economic growth due to the discovery of large offshore oil reserves, and in the last decade has become Sub-Saharan Africa’s third largest oil exporter. Despite the country’s economic windfall from oil production resulting in a massive increase in government revenue in recent years, there have been few improvements in the population’s living standards.

But just how classy is Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea, you ask?

Equatorial Guinea is primarily a destination country for children trafficked for the purpose of forced labor and possibly for the purpose of sexual exploitation; children have been trafficked from nearby countries for domestic servitude, market labor, ambulant vending, and possibly sexual exploitation; women may also be trafficked to Equatorial Guinea from Cameroon, Benin, other neighboring countries, and China for sexual exploitation .

Yes, that classy.

SIMON MANN:

The Last of Gentlemen Adventurers.  From a storied line of England’s finest cricketers and heir to Watney Mann brewing empire, Simon Mann was not expected to become a soldier let alone soldier of fortune. Mann is former SAS and saw action in the first Gulf War. Shortly thereafter, Mann entered the world of security, officially beginning mercenary activity with his friend Tony Buckingham’ company, Executive Outcomes, in combating rebels who had seized a port in Angola. By all accounts, this operation went slicker than snake snot and, in my most humble of opinions, was the single instance that allowed the very concept of The Mercenary to not only survive the jump to but thrive with new found viability in the 21^st century.

Mann went on to form Sandline International with The Infamous Tim Spicer in 1996. Sandline provided private military assistance in conflicts in Angola (went “OK,” if anything related to Angola can be described as “OK”), Papua New (in which they were hired by prime minister Julius Chan of Papua New Guinea to help facilitate resolution of the conflict in Bougainville. When the army of Papua New Guinea discovered the obscene amount of money that Sandline’s South African mercs were pulling down, the country was brought to the brink of a military revolt resulting in the resignation of Chan and arrest of Spicer. Whoops!), and Sierra Leone (where, hired by Ahmed Kahhah, the nation’s deposed leader and in violation of the United Nations arms embargo, Sandline imports 30 tons of AK-47’s the war torn region ensuring years of further well-armed conflict. England admonished its wayward sons activities… until it is revealed that British officials encouraged Spicer to ignore the embargo that England had endorsed herself to reinstate the Brit-friendly Kabbah. Whoops!).

Tangentialist’s Note – don’t feel too bad for Mr. Spicer: in 2004, he formed Aegis Defense Services and won a $293 million three-year contract in Iraq for outsourcing, among other things, intelligence for the U.S. Army, bodyguard services for American diplomats, and total control of all private security contractors in the northern 2/3 of Iraq. Says Stephen Armstrong, UK Guardian, “Spicer is effectively in charge of the second largest military force in Iraq – some 20,000 private soldiers. Just don’t call him a mercenary.”

The move prompted reports in news publications like The Nation, protests in the U.S. Senate, studies by the University of Birmingham in England, and even sour grapes from other Private Security firms. No dice, suckers—the U.S.Army claims it was not aware of Spicer’s checkered (if by checkered you mean “like unto that of an unflinching warn criminal”) past and, you know, he’s, like, already got the job so it would totally douchey to, like, fire him now, right?

Not bad for a guy when, as Mahatma Gandhi once put it: “everything he touches turns to shit.”

But yeah, totally not involved Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea. Totally.

Oh, except that , allegedly, after it got wind of Mann’s planned coup two month before it started, England’s Foreign Office called on Spicer to “tell the coup plotters…something.”

But, not involved.  For reals.

Following Sandline’s involvement in Sierra Leone and in no small part inspired to the continual catastrophes fueled by involvement of private armies like it, South Africa enacted strict and wide-reaching anti-mercenary legislation. In exchange for hanging up his beret and bandoleer, Mann was granted dual citizenship in both South Africa and England.

By all accounts, Mann went legit for several years by then he got… the itch. The need for That Last Big Score. Plans started to come together in the watering holes of South Africa during nights of ruckus drinking and carousing. Gradually, Mann assembled his amazing caste of characters and began to accrue massive financial backing.

Here we see a dramatization of that process:

Teehee!

At any rate, Mann’s skills, resources, and financial backing were all undermined by one thing: the goddamn plans were hatched in watering holes of South Africa during nights of ruckus drinking and carousing. Not the CIA or MI-5 or even duplicitous traitors undid Mann, nope, it was basically the guy at the next table who couldn’t hear himself think for the pack of assholes screaming their plans about knocking over something called Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea. We’ve all been there, right? Hell, I’d alert the authorities in Zimbabwe that these guys were coming to pick up their guns before their attack just to shut ‘em up, wouldn’t you?

As such, Simon Mann and 69 co-conspirators were arrested in on the Zimbabwe tarmac on immigration, firearms, and security laws and were later accused of the attempted coup with another 14 men arrested a few days later in Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea. Mann was found guilty of attempting to buy arms for an alleged coup and sentence to seven years in Zimbabwe. 66 of the other co-conspirators were acquitted.

Allow me to note that going to prison in Zimbabwe is, a word, “bad.” However, in 2007 Mann’s situation went from “bad” to “worse” when Zimbabwe ruled that he should be extradited to Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea in a move that has been called “The Oil for Mann Deal” as Zimbabwe’s Mugabe has subsequently secured vast amounts of oil from Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea. Mann was placed in Malabo’s stupid-crazy, like-something-out-of-a-movie-scary Black Beach prison, its conditions notorious even by crummy African prison standards.

Mann’s movement from Zimbabwe to Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea was sketchy at best and, despite some outcry from UK parliament, in 2008 Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea courts sentenced Mann to more than 34 years in jail. Already, one of Mann’s co-conspirators has died there. Pretty brutal by all accounts but such is the price of hubris, bitches.

NICK DU TIOT

South African arms dealer. 32 Battalion veteran. Security Contractor. Straight up merc. A pro’s pro.

Du Tiot’s role in the plot was to insinuate himself downtown in the capital city of Malabo under the guise of a buisnessman looking to start up a fishing concern. In reality, du Tiot’s real job was procuring the AK-47′s, RPG’s, machineguns, and mortars for the mercenaries and then to take control of the tower at Malabo airport to guide in the the plane full of mercs coming from Zimbabwe.

After the plot was “uncovered” and Mann’s forces were arrested in Zimbabwe, du Tiot and 13 of his men were arrested in Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea and will thus serving a 34 sentence in [woman's shriek] Black Beach Prison.  Details have gradually trickled out that du Tiot’s involvement was only the tip of the coup iceberg: after knocking over Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea, du Tiot, according to some, was ready to roll onto the Democratic [snigger] Republic of Congo and two diamond mines.  After some false starts on the initial coup, du Tiot was apparently ready to pack it in but stuck it out a little longer in the name of professional honor.  Whoopsie daisy.

All hope is not lost, however, as Du Tiot’s friend, general chronicler of global baddassery, and one of my few personal heroes, Robert Young Pelton, has a campaign underway to free our good merc. His fantastic profile of du Tiot and why he’s been keeping his trap shut rather than snitch for a relaxed sentence can/should be read in the May 2008 edition of Men’s Journal. OK, all hope pretty much lost, but, sadly, that’s what you get when you break the big numero uno of Cash Money’s Laws:

Cash Money’s Law #1: Don’t Get Caught.

HON. SIR MARK THATCHER

Of the What-Are-You-Fucking-Kidding-Yes-Those-Thatchers, the very public 2004 arrest of Sir Mark Thatcher, 2nd Baronet, on anti-mercenary charges in South Africa (P.S. – don’t be a mercenary in South Africa… they frown on it… a lot) was the widely-run news story that introduced most of the world to the coup and its plotters.

Sir Mark “invested” about $285,000 in one of the dummy-company fronts for the coup (of which there were many), and would later claim that he was, “under the impression it was going to be invested in an air ambulance service to help the impoverished of Africa.”

The South African courts didn’t seem to agree with him though and he eventually plead guilty and was given a four-year suspended sentence and a fine of about $ 560,000.

Don’t feel too bad, Sir Mark: plenty of douche bags from Lebanon, England, South Africa, and beyond apparently dropped some serious chedda on this little party. However, you were the only one dumb enough to get caught.

Sir Mark now lives in Spain.

TEDORO OBIANG NGUEMA MBASOGO (¡olé!)

style=”text-indent: 0.49in; margin-bottom: 0in;”> “And Obaing, Obaing / Oh baby / When he moves, he moves / I go crazy / ‘Cause he looks like a flower but he stings like a bee / Like every dictator in history / Obaing, Obaing” —Ricky Martin

You know what? You could really copy and paste the credentials any of the Sub-Saharan African “president” here and nobody could tell them apart. That said here’s the back of his Topps card:

-career military man (NO! Really?) Obiang has also been governor of Bioko, leader of the National Guard, and head of [gulp!] The Black Beach Prison! [THUNDERCLAP!] [MINOR CHORD!]
-deposed Francisco Macias the old fashioned way… in a bloody coup in 1979.
-reelected 1989. Was the only candidate. Was reelected 1996 and 2002. Guy’s on a roll.
-550 anti-Obiang activists jailed unfairly. Personally, I think he’s holding out on us.
-declared “a god… in permanent contact with the Almighty” by state-operated radio who “can decide to kill without anyone calling him to account and without going to hell.” But don’t worry: he’s still a good Catholic having been invited to the Vatican by both JPII and The New Guy.
-spread rumors that he is a cannibal (big ups to Idi Amin)
-rumored to have terminal prostate cancer. Well, what do you expect with that high-mean cannibal diet?

-needless to say, Condoleezza Rice referred to Obaing as “a good friend” during his lengthy visit to the U.S. in 2006. Over the moist sounds of Obaing’s wang being liberally tongued, some in the media speculated that our new found, er, fondness for a regime that this year alone scored a respectable 14^th on Parade Magazine’s 2009 World’s Worst Dictator list was due to a movement during that time that claimed having good relations with oil-producing countries = stability and no more 9-11′s per the “African Oil: A Priority for U.S. National Security and African Development” forum..

-Vice President of the International Parliament for Safety and Peace. Mmmmyep.

SEVERO MOTO

Severo Matías Moto Nsá is Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea’s prodigal son and is the man who would have been slotted into Obiang’s… er… slot… if the coup had gone as planned, providing there was enough detergent to scrub the blood and bits of hair out of said slot.

Active in the country’s government through both dictatorship and “democracy,” Moto founded the Progress Party in direct opposition to Obiang who promptly imprisoned him in [dun dun DUNNNN!] Black Beach Prison! I don’t know how he got out, but, gosh darnit, he did and found asylum in Spain where has established a “government in exile” which I can only assume means that he sits in a hotel room in Barcelona, picks up the phone and pretends to have important conversations with dignitaries over the sound of the dial tone.

Accused by some (especially Obiang) of being the actual mastermind of the coup and by South Africa of offering the mercenaries $1.8m and oil rights to overthrow Obiang, Moto has done a lot of denying and keeping his head down while Spain refuses to extradite him since.

Then, in 2005 Moto disappeared for a short time. When he popped back up, he claimed a pair of hitmen had taken him out on a yacht in Croatia but let him go because he was a fellow Catholic. Cuz, you know, that’ll happen sometimes.

Severo Moto continues to live in Spain. Hm.

32 BATTALION

The baddest bunch of muthas this side of Angola. When you absolutely, positively need to jack up a pseudo-legitimate regime on the cheap, accept no motherfucking substitutes.

Originally a special infantry battalion of the South African Army formed in 1975 and led by guys with nicknames like “Falcon” and “Bid Daddy” (no, really!) and comprised of the losers of the Angolan Civil War, 32 Battalion was used as an anti-insurgency force in the never-ending border and brush wars of south-west Africa that started in the mid 1970’s and lasted nigh-on 25 years. 32 Battalion would become one of the most decorated units during the South African Border War, scoring 13 Honoris Crux.

But—fancy italic awards or no—by 1993, their time had passed and after a few bad PR moments involving killing members of the public, the African National Congress requested an investigation of 32 Battalion and the unit was subsequently disbanded and retired to the town of Pomfret, South Africa— an act which many saw as a rank betrayal of their long years of service.

To call Pomfret a reeking hole would be a slap in the face of reeking holes everywhere: it is on the edge of the Kalahari Desert and is the site of an old asbestos mining town. As such, it’s really no surprise that many of 32 Battalion would go on to work with Executive Outcomes and Sandline International, both formed in part by Simon Mann. After both of these companies were dissolved, the veterans of 32 Battalion were left sitting on their hands in Craptown so when Mann again came back looking for manpower, men who needed to feed their families jumped (as best they could) at the opportunity.

Kept mostly in the dark about the operation and arrested en masse on the tarmac in Zimbabwe while trying to score their weapons, there is a good chance that Mann’s mercs didn’t even know where they were going and many claim they were told they were going to do security work in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Many of the 32 Battalion vets were the ones who did the hard time for the coup and, to the best of my knowledge, many of them are still in prisons in Zimbabwe and Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea, cuz, you know, who gives a fuck about mercenaries, right?

Oh, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Blood Diamond is a former 32 Battalion member.

“THE DOGS OF WAR”

Seriously, have read this book or maybe seen the Uzi-happy 1980 Christopher Walken vehicle? You know, the one where this entire plot already happened once in 1979 and was chronicled/abetted/fictionalized by the author, Frederick Forsyth? Yeah, that Dogs of War.

The Wonga Coup: The Gift that Keeps on Givin’

Perhaps the best thing about The Wonga Coup is that fact that about once every six months, a new chapter is added to it in the press. Mann and du Tiot’s stories and lists of conspirators keep getting changed, allegations of forced confessions get thrown around, and everybody involved is busy selling each other out in hopes of reduction of sentences.

Getting credible info from a place like Oil-Soaked Equatorial Guinea is all but impossible so it was a total [pun] coup [/pun] when, in 2008, BBC 4 scored this amazing interview with Mann direct from… Black… Beach… Prison.

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