MINNESOTA FAMILY COUNCIL – During every presidential election and certainly during Maine’s recent go round with Teh Gheys and Teh Rights, there is a phrase that gets thrown around: “Family Values.”
It seems that all politicians are fer it. I can’t ever remember anyone coming out and claiming to be ag’innit nor have I seen any documentation in the news of people who have been outed as ag’innit on the covert-like.
That said, I have no idea what Family Values are or aren’t. And more importantly, if got ‘em I do or got ‘em I don’t. Bruce, perhaps you can explain my problem better than I:
So, to make sure I don’t botch up a future presidential run any more than I already have *cough*fuelingchildsoldierwithmeth*cough* let’s you and me try to find out what these Family Values are together… like we used to… like a family.
What is the text-book definition of “Family Values?”
Function: noun plural
: values especially of a traditional or conservative kind which are held to promote the sound functioning of the family and to strengthen the fabric of society
Basically, the Wiki-knowledge boils down to this:
“Social and religious conservatives often use the term ‘family values’ to promote conservative ideology that supports traditional morality or Christian values.”
As such, according to the various sites that claim to be proponents of Family Values, if you are a God-fearin’ Republican you’ve got Family Values if you: oppose abortion, pornography, pre-marital sex, homosexuality, some aspects of feminism, cohabitation, separation of church and state, and depictions of sexuality in the media. That’s what the Bible tells you, and dammit, you’re going to raise your kids like that and ensure that you do your damnedest to destroy educate all those who aren’t raising their kids that way.
Interestingly, pretty much every different group has defined Family Values as something more attuned to their beliefs, those being whatever political platform they’re pushing at that time. So if you are a no-good sodomite Democrat, you’ve got Family Values if you support: “family planning, affordable child care, supporting alternative family structures, access to contraception, abortion, increasing the minimum wage, sex education, childcare, and parent-friendly employment laws, which provide for maternity leave and leave for medical emergencies involving children.”
In the background, there is a population that actually thinks that Family Values are about spending time with your family and striving hard to establish good relationships between parents. Being flexible, balanced, and understanding and making sure that, even with work, that enough time is spent on family. Laughable. These people are, obviously, patently insane and should be therefore marginalized.
But, it appears that, by and large, when someone says Family Values, they want to imply concepts held as “Biblical Truth” and the morals and conscience dictated therein.
Who, in reality, does NOT — in claim or in actuality– possess Family Values?
Quite literally, pretty much anyone who disagrees with you at any particular moment.
Those. Mother. Fuckers.
When was this concept created?
Merriam-Webster cites the term first used in 1916, but the GOP & Friends didn’t really start throwing it around until the late 20th century thanks to one man:
What a revoltin’ development.
Quayle’s assertion that the 1992 Los Angeles Riots could be attributed to a breakdown of Family Values popularized the term. “Ahead of his time in pointing to a breakdown in moral standards as the greatest crisis facing America,”. Quayle made these claims in a speech delivered to the Commonwealth Club of California shortly after the Los Angeles riots, noting famously, “when families fail, society fails.” “this poverty is a poverty of values… unless we change the basic rules of society, we cannot expect anything else to change.” and –in a hither-to unmatched double-Gator in mouth (Biden: looking at you to match here) that earned him a heapin’ spoonful of vitriol from Women’s Lib: “it doesn’t help matters when prime time TV has Murphy Brown — a character who supposedly epitomizes today’s intelligent, highly paid, professional woman — mocking the importance of fathers by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another ‘lifestyle choice.’”
For the sake of your sanity, I have reduced this to a simple equation:
Why do people throw this term around (or, more importantly) How can I use the phrase “Family Values” to undermine and crush my opponents?
Using the phrase “Family Values” has stuck around because, simply, it works.
It works for same reason The Patriot Act was so quick to be accepted; it’s a complicated issue given a name that you absolutely cannot work against without looking like a total douche-nozzle.
Family Values means pretty much more or less that you have a set of values. Any values. You may as well claim that you are “Pro Not Kicking Puppies,” I mean, who the fuck isn’t?
Hmm, who the fuck isn’t?
That’s right. Fucking Cobra Commander isn’t. And your opponent is WORSE than Cobra Commander (or at least needs to be depicted as such in the broadest terms available).
So, by asserting that you support Family Values in a campaign, you are implying that your opponent… does not.
Keep in mind, you’ve got to get this attribute out in the open first! If your opponent has already claimed the Family Value card, you can’t just say “yeah, uh, ME TOO!”. You’ve got an uphill battle involved with debunking his claims of Family Values or making him spell those Family Values out with snide comments like, “my esteemed competitor claims to be a supporter of [and remember to do finger-quotes here] ‘Family Values,’“ followed by a quick, side-of-the-mouth, “if you… know what I mean.“ Holy shit! What do you mean? Ho ho! Two can play at this vague claims game! I bid you good day, sir! Wait, you can’t possibly- I BELIEVE I SAID, “GOOD DAY!”
Do I, Cash Money, indeed, support Family Values?
Well, let’s do the math here:
-have attended one (1) gay wedding (groom’s family, yok yok yok!)
-like teh pr0n
-like separation of teh church and teh state
-could stand some more depictions of sexuality in the media, most notably Michelle Bernard’s (ROWR!)
-would rather be shot in the face than have kids
-think marriage (hetero or otherwise) is an anachronistic joke
-parents are going in The Home if they so much as cough around me anytime in the next decade
Oh, come on, it’s not like that part was any surprise, look who’s writing this.