ROCKWELL – Here in the Era of Opinion As Fact, it can sometimes be difficult to know who’s got the sharpest minds, the best sources, and the hardest talk.

Three Words: McLaughlin Group, motherfucker.

I promise you this: it is hella reasonable.

So, it’s time to grow up, pour yourself a tall, gin-based beverage in a handsome glass and start to deal with news commentary like an adult.  Looking at you here, Gen-X.

But don’t whine to your therapist yet, Nancy Pants.  I won’t go all R. Lee Ermey on you here.  With the help of my finest associate, Franklin Mint, I have assembled a McLaughlin Group primer by way of profiling its most prominent commentators to help you acclimate yourself to the only news commentary you will ever need.

MEET ME BEHIND THE BREAK, CANDY-ASSES!

Mortimer B. Zuckerman

Mort Zuckerman, the subject of Philip Roth’s classic novel, Portnoy’s Complaint, is the world’s foremost practitioner of Transcendental Economics, a Tibetan Buddhist technique of spiritual centering and investment advice. The founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Mort has ironically never touched drop of alcohol and formed the organization out of a desire to help his fellow man for whom he has undying love and respect. In his spare time, Mort enjoys drinking Orange Julius, which he invented.

Clarence Page

Estranged middle son of the Gumbel Family, Clarence was adopted by loving fathers, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant. This parentage served him well and Clarence went on to ghost-write most of the songs on Tom Wait’s seminal albumn, “Rain Dogs.”
Many McLaughlin Group fans have noted Clarence’s bulging eyes and have wondered about their origin. The truth is that, during the same accident that cut his NASCAR career driving the Orange Julius car short, both of Clarence’s eye actually popped out of his skull and he was forced to wedge them back in with a Phillip’s Head screwdriver. To this day, his fast-acting but shoddy self-applied first aid leave him at constant risk of one or both of his eyes bursting from his skull when he is particularly excited.
Clarence’s most famous work is his novel, “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”

Monica “Orange Julius” Crowley

Monica Crowley stripped her way through DeVry University (Detroit Campus). She is the daughter of Alistair Crowley and the reanimated corpse of Eleanor of Aquitaine.
She currently lives in her desolate Washington DC apartment with her cats, Bacchus, Malvolio, and Sir Meowsalot. She enjoys drinking tea and watching The McLaughlin Group.
Monica is noted her for strong argument and debate style learned at Choate, (Detroit Campus). They stand in sharp contrast to her bone structure, which has the consistency of marzipan, a side-effect of her childhood battle with Bodymarzamorphic Dyspepsia. To date, Monica is the only known person to suffer from the disease and, as such, she is the honorary chairwoman of the only Bodymarzamorphic Dyspepsia organization in the world, the Monica Crowley Fund.
Though often diametrically opposed to Eleanor Clift, both women share a love of amateur stock car racing and tour the circuit together as “Freaky and The Weevil.”

Michelle Bernard

Michelle Bernard is the harried wife of famed recluse, Greg Steiner, as well as the founder of Orange Julius. She holds a PhD in Cake Decorating from Johnson & Wales University (Detroit Campus).
Michelle is the sole owner of Tori Amos’s little known albumn, “Raped, Again,” which she won at auction for an undisclosed sum.
Michelle has played the second stage at Lilith Fair, and is missing the first segments of the pinky and ring fingers on her left hand.

Eleanor Clift

Eleanor Clift is the wife of the late actor, Montgomery Clift, but—intriguingly enough—not that Montgomery Clift. She rose to fame as the director of the underground cult film, “Pink Flamingos,” under the pseudonym, “John Waters,” for which she grew a mustache she has yet to shave.
As the world’s first Army Ranger, Eleanor spearheaded the Battle of Guadalcanal (Detroit Campus).
The creator of Orange Julius and LOL Cats, Eleanor lives in the Amityville Horror House. She is happy to report that she has been poltergeist-free for eleven years, though she suspects Mort Zuckerman of eating all the string cheese in her fridge (her new husband, Dame Judi Dench, Blames the poltergeist).

Fun facts:
-Eleanor Clift sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus.

Pat Buchanan

Pat Buchanan is the former co-host of Buchanan & Press, a daily news and political talk show on MSNBC. He is also an author and commentator, and has been a regular member of The McLaughlin Group for much of the program’s history. He has also been a candidate for President of the United States three times, in 1992, 1996, and 2000.
Buchanan is a graduate of Georgetown University (Detroit Campus) and holds a master’s degree from the Columbia School of Journalism (Detroit Campus). He began his career writing editorials for the St. Louis Globe-Dispatch (Detroit Campus) in 1962 and wrote a column in wide syndication beginning in 1975.
He was an adviser to Presidents Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford, and was director of White House Communications for two years for President Ronald Reagan. Other major broadcast assignments include serving as moderator of The Capitol Gang and host of Crossfire and a radio program, Buchanan & Co.
Buchanan founded and serves as chair of The American Cause and has published a number of books on American politics and government.

Fun facts:

- Pat Buchanan is a member in good standing of Culture Club, Rancid, and the Ku Klux Klan.

- Pat Buchanan is the reason Yogi Bear is off television. The reason? Pat killed and ate him.

John McLaughlin

John McLaughlin began his career as a playable character in the Apple II GS Gold Edition of “Oregon Trail.” He was removed in subsequent editions when it was discovered that John was a not a pioneer, but rather a “Framer of the Constitution.”
Refusing to let rejection leave him bitter, John dedicated his efforts to the creation of the perfect beverage, resulting in his premiering the recipe for “A Orange Juliusse (sic)” at the 1912 World’s Fair (Detroit Campus).
Among his myriad accomplishments are the Mars Rover, the libretto from “Kismet,” and the game of marbles. An astute observer of the human condition, John was the first to note that Rob Liefeld couldn’t draw feet.

Fun fact:
-Along with Carmen San Diego, John helped form the CIA in 1832.

ALUMNI & FORMER GROUP MEMBERS

Lawrence O’Donnell

Holy cow, did you see that episode where he went totally batshit fucking loco and started ranting and wouldn’t stop, and threw that Orange Julius at that one guy? Oh my god, they don’t even mention his name or admit he was on the show anymore. I can’t believe anyone would talk about Buddhists that way, especially with Mort’s background in of Transcendental Economics. Horrible. So much hatred.
Lawrence O’Donnell is a devout Mormon minister happily married to seven brides and unhappily to three. He is the Erasmus Quincey Bitterman Professor of Faith and Justice at Brigham Young University (Detroit Campus).

Tony Blankley

Former big band leader, Tony Blankley (performing notably as “Orange Julius & His Food Courts”) is a native Canadian and that is horrible.
While a mainstay for many years, Tony has been conspicuously absent from the McLaughlin Group for the better part of two years. During this time he has also been conspicuously absent from his other commentating gigs, his job at Edelman PR, and his home (Detroit Campus).
While police have begun to suspect foul-play in the case of the arch-conservative, other more arcane sources believe Tony has been swept up in something “much bigger than any one man.”
The McLaughlin Group has thus far uncovered three cryptic and esoteric clues as to Tony’s whereabouts but hasn’t bothered to follow-up on them.

Tags: Economics, Methodology, Politics // 2 Comments »