BASEMENT OF THE SCIENCE BUILDING – It’s October and that means there have been very few reasons to get out of bed these days. The only one I can think of has been the promised return of “The Venture Brothers” on Adult Swim.

If you haven’t seen it yet, I really can’t say as we’re going to be friends… ever… but I will at least extend you the courtesy to you by of saying:

<<Warning, Potential Spoilers. Dingdong>>

During the first episode of this, our fourth season, entitled, “Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel,” you may have noticed some kinda cockamamie bar that would butt in on occasion [kaching!] with the labels “CGC Rating” followed by a number, a letter or two, and a dollar amount. Like this:

[kaching!]

I was left scratching my head for a long time and at first I thought it was some sort of FCC thing where the writers were predicting how much they’d be fined for this episode and that leads us to our titular question:

What the hell is CGC?

As a comic bookin’ sorta guy, I really should have known (or at least remembered) this, but CGC stands for “The Comics Guaranty Company” or more to the point, the condition rating they have given a particular comic book, in this case the issue of Marvel Comics #1 that Number 21 has given Dr. Venture in order to clone his late heterosexual life mate, Number 24.

The Comics Guaranty Company (technically Comics Guaranty LLC) is an “independent and impartial third party grading service for comic books,” that will basically tell you if your old copies of Spawn are worth anything. The other reputable comic book rating service/system is the Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide, though their rating system (0 to 100) does not appear to be used in this episode.

The reason I forgot was this: I am a comic book reader, not a comic book collector. When I read my copy of Deadpool, you know what I do? I put it on top of a stack. That’s right, nerds, a stack with no baggy. It’s curling the bindings! BWAHAHA! WRITHE IN SKIN CRAWLING DISCOMFORT!

What are the letters?

The CGC’s guidelines for rating a comic are strict. Geek strict. As such, there are several levels, each with very specific indicators of quality and thus, (apparently) value. When Number 21 first gives Doc the comic, it is rated at 9.6 which is (perhaps falsely) rated as “Mint Condition” in the episode. As Number 21′s comic depreciates in CGC numeric value, it also passes through the various strata of grading terms.

Generally, these levels are broken down like-a-so:

Mint (M or MT, 10 to 9.8): Basically it’s fresh off the presses. It is pristine with absolutely no blemish upon its immaculate being. This is hard to score, even in a store.

Near Mint (NM, 9.8 to 9.0): A real douche of a rating if you ask me as you, The Collector, have no real control of packaging, travel, wear, print errors, humidity, and the host of other variables that that occur before you even get a chance to bend, rip, roll or generally mar the comic yourself! Weak sauce.

Very Fine (VF, 9.0 to 7.0): Some wear and tear. Let’s face it; someone read this comic. Maybe twice.

Fine (F or FN, 7.0 to 5.0): Maybe some minor tears and discoloration. Older, pulpy pages are probably somewhat yellowed or browned.

Very Good (VG, 5.0 to 3.0): Rusty staples, the dreaded Spine Rolling begins to appear, some repaired tears. Oh dear, someone has really let down their guard on this one.

Good (G or GD, 3.0 to 1.5): Oy vey. Where’d you get this? A yard sale? In the rain? The cover might be detached, she’s all patched up. Could be worse, I suppose.

Fair (F or FR, 1.5 to 1.0): Major wear, the spine may be split up to 2/3rds of the cover, and the pages? Well, they’re still readable. Maybe.

Poor (P or PR, 1.0 to 0): Oh my god… did you… where on earth could… did you change your oil and use this to wipe your gaskets… why would you… [retches violently]… oh god… how… [retches again]… ugh… oh my… sweet jesus, My eyes! MY EYES! I’m actually a little confused at a rating of 0. Does that mean there is actually no comic at all?

As you can see, things get very particular at the tippy-top of the scale and at the very bottom. This is because most old comics simply were not designed to last and nobody even gave considered that, someday, their comic collection could put their kids through college. As such, even the best conditioned comics from the 30′s are, at the end of the day, in pretty crummy condition. Now that comic collecting is a real honest-to-god way to make a living, as new issues come out and are instantly bagged up and stored for posterity, the smallest of details are crucial to ensuring that, down the line, the comic gets top dollar.

This is very important to a lot of people.

I am not one of them, Patton Oswalt.

Why is the money never at the same value or sometimes declining?

Chronologically, the episode jumps all over the place. The better part of a year, it would seem. As such, the degradation of Number 21′s comic helps to decipher when in time each segement clip takes place. Or, conversely, it helps to confuse the bejeezus out of you.

What’s with the goofy ass titles that pop up like “The Sub-Mariner” and “Ka-Zar?”

The afore mentioned Marvel Comics #1 (actually technically Marvel Mystery Comics #1), one of the first comics ever, came out in 1939 and included stories featuring The Human Torch (the android one), The Sub-Mariner (basically the original Aquaman), The Angel (pretty much Batman wearing Superman’s outfit), The Masked Raider (Lone Ranger clone), and Ka-Zar the Great (Tarzan plus dinosaurs).

The issue also included a two page prose story about racing entitled, “Burning Rubber.” Here’s an excerpt:

“VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! BRRRRRRROOOOOWWWW! NEERRRRRRRRR! WAH-WAAAAAAAAH!”

There were 80,000 copies of the original issue which came out in October of ’39. After it sold out and the publisher realized that they’d struck pay dirt, they reprinted the issue the next month for a run of 800,000.

The episode is right in that a Mint (again, pretty impossible that a Mint edition would exist, so maybe they just mean “pretty darn good”) edition can score you upwards of $500,000 but finding any first issue of any golden age comic is more or less unheard of which makes one appearing on the market something of note.

Financial value aside, one of the coolest things about Marvel #1 is that so many of the characters are still in play today. Sub-Mariner (Namor to his friends… of which he has none) is still a cranky son-of-a-gun trying to keep his undersea kingdom safe from us dim-bulb surface-types, Ka-Zar still hasn’t got any pants (which hasn’t stopped him from marrying boobaliscious bikini adventurer, Shanna the She-Devil), and even the original Human Torch pops up to show the second Human Torch, The Fantastic Four’s Johnny Storm, just how it’s supposed to be done.

Tags: Aesthetiophilia, Videophilia // Add Comment »