THE LAB -In a rare and uncharacteristic turn of events, I have both remembered and participated in our most recent Culinary Challenge.

Clutch the pearls and step back, Cash Money is in the kitchen tonight… ladies.

But you can stop reaching for that fire extinguisher, I’ve got adult supervision for this escapade in so much as Etruscan and Gestalt count as adults.

The subject: McDonald’s food used in part or entirety to make something vaguely edible.

Etruscan has brought to bear his  considerable culinary acumen and he will toil to make McD’s food as palatable as possible.  There is a roux.

My own contributions will be distinctly bachelor flavored.

Gestalt will drink PBR and be preparing a heaping helping of snark.  Just like Mama Money used to make.

Carne Asada Tacos, SoPo Style

This one can be a little tricky, there’s a food processor involved.

2 standard cheese burgers – strip the buns, extras, and as best you can the cheese and condiments. Drop into food processor. Heh. This is the fun bit, GRIND THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

Feel better? Good. Get a skillet nice and hot with a little oil. Add your newly ground friends along with 2 shakes Worchestershire, 1tsp Chili Powder, 1 Tsp Cumin, a pinch of black pepper, and a small pinch Cayenne. Mix together until re-heated and beginning to brown. Keep stirring to keep the ground consistency. Add to a flour tortilla with a wee bit of shredded cheese, your favorite salsa (If you don’t have salsa in the fridge, we’re not on speaking terms any longer), and top with some of the surviving greens from Cash’s salad experiments. The only thing to note here is that over-grinding (though fun) may result in little bits of beef becoming stuck in the back of your throat upon consumption. No one wants that from a McD’s burger now, do they?

Gestalt: The secrets of Chipotle Grill, revealed.

Cash Money: Be careful to remove ALL the ketchup from the burger – McDonald’s ketchup is notoriously powerful and super sweet.  Makes the kiddies go wild.  Feel free to double down on the spice to help compensate.

Cash Money’s Reverse-Engineered Yakisoba

If you are a poor swingin’ bachelor like me, you have a fridge full of condiments.  Maybe you bought ‘em for that barbecue that one time, maybe they just came in the bag from the drive through, but don’t lie: you’ve got more condiments than you have actual food in the house.  I know you.  I am you. With that in mind, you can probably make this dish for under $2 if you play your cards right because you’ve probably already got all the fixin’s.

For this “recipe” you’ll need:

-1 container of Maruchan Teryaki Yakisoba (or as I like to call it “Executive Ramen”)

-1 McDonald’s side salad (from the fabled 99¢ menu)

-1 packet, McDonald’s BBQ sauce (any BBQ will do, really)

-Worcestershire sauce

-soy sauce

-black pepper

Step 1: Open up the side salad and huck the cherry tomatoes off your porch as hard as you can.

Don’t worry – they’re terribly unnatural an nothing could possibly grow from then in your neighbor’s yard.  But if they do… run.

You might want to get rid of the more twiggy bits of the salad, too, as they are particularly bitter and distracting in the final product.  Also, make sure you chop up the larger leaves a bit as much of a McDonald’s salad is made of giant, green Styrofoam balls.  Set this pile of yard work aside for the moment.

Step 2: Half-open the lid on the yakisoba container, remove the flava packets, crack open the dehydrated veggies and pour them along the sides of noodles.  Pour water into container up to the fill line but GOD HELP YOU should you fill it a millimeter more or less!  Maruchan, while adorable, is a fickle and unforgiving chan!

Step 3: Pop her in the microwave for the specified time on the packaged (4 minutes, let stand 1 minute).  Put a frying pan on the stove.  Put some oil of some kind in it.  Turn it on, make it hot.

Step 3.1: This is the part where I lean against the counter and take long pulls off a glass of over-iced Johnny Walker Black Label while I tell you about the yakisoba I had in Japan and how its actually the hotdog of Japanese noodles as its served, predominantly, during festival times and it’s prepared on a big ol’ hot grill with metal flipper-spatula deals.  It’s a lot of fun and there’s generally some finely sliced meat in it with some nice veggies but the real key is the yakisoba sauce.

“Over there,” I’ll say, wistfully looking off in the direction of the living room, “you just buy it.  In stores.  I can’t really describe it but it’s sort of like barbecue sauce but maybe with some soy in it or something…”

And Gestalt will be all, “What, like Raisin Sauce?”

And I’ll say, “No, it’s… it’s got more… I dunno, like…”

And he’ll sit down and start looking up recipes online for it and say, “Well, there’s a mess of different recipes for this stuff on here.  Is it made from rice wine or soy sauce?”

Etruscan: “Vending Machines on the street? Train stations? Monomer or Polymer?”

“Look, it just comes in a bag,” I’ll say and just about that time the microwave will ding.

Step 4: Open the yakisoba up and reverse engineere the yakisoba sauce by adding the teriyaki flava packet in its entirety, a splash of Worcestershire sauce, a splash of soy sauce, a pinch of pepper, and a smidge of BBQ sauce.  Make sure not to use any more than a tsp of BBQ sauce as it can quickly overpower the flavor.

Mix up the contents in the container.  By now the oil in the frying pan should be ready for action.  Heave all the contents of the yakisoba container into the pan and commence to grillin’ that stuff.

Step 5: Start mixing in the side salad.  (Does yours have cucumber in it?  Mine didn’t.  Where did that come from?  Get rid of that shit.)  Mix and keep grillin’ until the noodles are more or less dry and browning.

Step 6: Plate it.  If you are a True Blue Bachelor, this means throwing it all back into the yakisoba container whence it came, walking to the couch, plunking down and watching some Samurai Champloo.  In this case, we’ve got some fancy plates to make it look like we know what we are doing.

Not too shabby.  Since the salad is so unnatural and full of components designed NOT TO TURN BROWN WHEN THEY COME IN CONTACT WITH OXYGEN, the veggies will add a really VIBRANT amount of color to this otherwise blah dish.

Next!

Grilled Chicken Alfredo a la Danforth

Do not be afraid. It’s actually exactly what it sounds like.

You can cook pasta. Do so following the standard starchy directions. Al Dente is your goal.

Chicken is a no-brainer, just steal it from the grilled chicken salad, already pre-cooked and good to go as it is.

Now, as to this sauce thing…Not actually that hard, but it’s not recommended you step out for a cig during this process unless you’ve been doing this for 10+ years.

Melt 1 TBlsp butter in a small saucepan
Add 1 Tsp minced garlic and sauté lightly for about a minute
BEFORE garlic turns brown, cut the heat and stir in 2 Tsp white flour
Still stirring, return to low heat and cook for about a minute (this will get rid of that flour-y taste)
Slowly stir in 1/2 cup light cream or whole milk
Keep the mixture moving until it begins to thicken; this is where you get rid of any lumps.
Add a small amount of water until you get to about the consistency of warm chocolate syrup.
Add 1 Tblsp grated Parmesan
1 Tsp black pepper
Add additional water as needed to keep the thickness correct.

Once you’ve pulled the sauce together, just mix in your pre-cooked chicken and pasta, heat through, and you’re ready to serve.

Garnish with yet more salad sacrifices and a dollop or two of Sirhacha for kick and color.

Cash Money: Again, the vibrant salad greens give the dish a certain… glow.  Surprisingly, the chicken is not very noticeably McDonaldsy in flavor.

Cash Money’s Sweet & Saur Ramen

Now with extra bachelor!

Here’s what you will need for this treat:

-1 unit ramen noodles

-1 packet of McDonald’s sweet & saur sauce

Yep.  That’s it.

Step 1: Make ramen noodles.  Put the flava packet in that big jar of flava packets you keep for that day when you need a LOT of ramen flava packets for… something salty.

Step 2: Drain and cool the noodles.  You can run them under cold water and/or chuck them in the fridge.

Step 3: Mix in the packet of sweet & saur sauce.

Step 4: Be flippin’ amazed.

Etruscan:  “…that’s it?  No Butter?  No flour?”

Gestalt: “No roux?”

Etruscan: “What parallel world are we in that this is actually good?”

So there you have it!  Four recipes for the McAddict on budget who is also too fat to leave their kitchen.  I keed, I keed. While we have had a lot of fun (and booze) preparing this piece, it would be remiss of me not to mention the super spectacular site, Fancy Fast Food.  Their rules are far more stringent and, like the noble American Indian before us, use ALL the parts of the Value Meal in their work.  They turn out some really stunning product.

Mmmmmmyeck.

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