Walmart Heydays…

I am not even going to pretend that I understand which way is front or back.

I am not even going to pretend that I understand which way is front or back.

/Sigh…   Where is the only place that you can go at 2am to see someone that might just be in worse shape than you but not because they are drunk?  Where else can you go at 2am and play with the bouncy balls, turn on all the nosey toys, sit down in the middle of the toy aisle to play battleships with your friends?  Walmart, of course!

I spent many countless moments of my young adult life wondering the aisles in the wee hours of the AM reeking havoic with my friends.  I spent many minutes people watching because in Walmart that is what you go there to do, to people watch.  I saw some crazy and very unfortunate things at Walmart.  It is the one place on earth that diversity is apparent.  Hookers to suits, dementia to child tantrums,  fashion statments to fashion mishaps, make-up, electronics, groceries, guns, video games, toys, As Seen On TV and all at a low price in a big blue and white painted warehouse where America drones and walks the earth one ground shaking moment at a time.

 
There is a website now dedicated to the “People of Walmart“.  I never thought I would see that day but we all knew it would happen because if you have ever been to a Walmart you know, you just know.

 

  

 So I bring to you a taste of the “People of Walmart”….I just can’t beleive I sometimes miss this…

We are going with the notion that you honestly forgot the rest of your Chewbacca costum, no?

We are going with the notion that you honestly forgot the rest of your Chewbacca costum, no?

   

  

 

Dear creepy hipster, there is currenlty a cold hooker that would appreciate you returning her coat.

Dear creepy hipster, there is currenlty a cold hooker that would appreciate you returning her coat.

  

 

I don't get it, we have a trailer, a cooter, what seem to be a man taking a dump, shopping carts not in the cart return, I guess I'm just not looking hard enough.

I don't get it, we have a trailer, a cooter, what seem to be a man taking a dump, shopping carts not in the cart return, I guess I'm just not looking hard enough.

 

aint nothin but a g-string baaabay

aint nothin but a g-string baaabay

 

I challenge you to think of a better animal to put in the back of a better ride. It cant be done, so don't waster your time

I challenge you to think of a better animal to put in the back of a better ride. It cant be done, so don't waster your time

 

a midget's hanging from my necklace.

a midget's hanging from my necklace.

 

His mom said he had to leave the basement and go make real friends instead of avatars in World of Warcraft.

His mom said he had to leave the basement and go make real friends instead of avatars in World of Warcraft.

 

Hola, bienvendio a McDonalds en Walmart.  Te gustaria tomar una siesta?

Hola, bienvendio a McDonalds en Walmart. Te gustaria tomar una siesta?

 

From what i can tell, you like playing soccer while lifting weights and fishing.

From what i can tell, you like playing soccer while lifting weights and fishing.

 

Of course the parking lot was not big enough for NASCAR races.

Of course the parking lot was not big enough for NASCAR races.

Serioulsy guy, you had to haul ass out of the trailer without shoes or a shirt to buy a TV? I am certain Vizio made more than one TV.

Serioulsy guy, you had to haul ass out of the trailer without shoes or a shirt to buy a TV? I am certain Vizio made more than one TV.

A new invention, the Trap Door...no more lifting of shirts or lowering of shorts to unload!  Only at Walmart!

A new invention, the Trap Door...no more lifting of shirts or lowering of shorts to unload! Only at Walmart!

Pictures courtesy of People of Walmart!

   

2 Responses to “Walmart Heydays…”

  1. The year was 2000. The work of trying to read several hundred pages of the “classics” of English literature a night had become the work of skillfully pretending that I had read several hundred pages a night. Flying in the face of academia and the general way of things, my GPA was on the rise and I was riding high on my own perceived Outlaw English Major status.
    This nonsense had to go on long into the night. 1 o’clock, 2 o’clock. My most esteemed colleague (and roommate), Sergio Blingbling, a more conscientious and perpetual academic heaving his #2 across the room and snapped, “I am done, but I will never be able to sleep. I am too wound up on Papa’s Medicine,” his codeword for Irish Coffee, “I must go somewhere and do something to unwind.”
    “We could go to the Neptune,” I said, “White Russians and toast. We haven’t made an appearance since the Bull Riding Championships on ESPN and the night manager will worry.”
    “No,” he said, standing up and fumbling for his keys, “even I am shocked to hear myself say this but I cannot sustain anymore sugar or booze tonight. We have to go to Wal-Mart and walk around for a while. Just until the springs unwind.”
    “It’s the only thing,” I conceded, standing up from my speculative Robinson Crusoe fiction I was passing off as a term paper, “a brisk constitutional… in The Park.”
    New pillow cases, Vegeta action figures, the collected works of Nicholas Cage— all chirped about merrily like they were the daffodil shoots coming up early. The cobwebs were starting to clear nicely as we rounded the corner into the hardware aisle. I hefted a funny hammer.
    Offhandedly, I said, “I think I need one of these, but I don’t know what they do.”
    From behind the end of the aisle, a form slid out as though on rails.
    “That’s a ball-peen,” said a strangled voice.
    It was late… or early… and I was sleep deprived, a little drunk, and probably just days if not hours from a neurotic episodes and I could barely interpret the visual cues I was being given. Jacket comprised of forest. Beard of steel wool. Teeth of a few errant niblets. A man? The apparition again spoke thus:
    “The ball-peen hammer’s crowned, or rounded, edge works metal smoothly without marking it. The ball portion can straighten, soften and expand metal into the desired shape. The other, straighter end of the hammer can be used to strike punches and chisels.”
    I balked. Sergio boggled.
    The creature continued: “Actual peening is not used in most metal fabrication operations today but it was the original use of peen hammers. Peening is striking welded or riveted metal to make it as flexible as the rest of the metal in an object. The result of peening is a strain-hardening property added to the metal.”
    Then. Nothing.
    “Oh. Thanks,” I managed to say, my voice a whispered croak.
    “See ya,” it said and slid back, moving but motionless, into the next aisle.
    Sergio and I looked at each other and then at the tool in my hand and we know… that was the day that we would always remember as the one when we met Ball-peen Hammer Man.

  2. now that should have been a write up… /chuckles sheepishly.

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