Clutch the pearls and step back, Cash Money is in the kitchen tonight… ladies.

But you can stop reaching for that fire extinguisher, I’ve got adult supervision for this escapade in so much as Etruscan and Gestalt count as adults.

The subject: McDonald’s food used in part or entirety to make something vaguely edible.

Etruscan has brought to bear his  considerable culinary acumen and he will toil to make McD’s food as palatable as possible.  There is a roux.

My own contributions will be distinctly bachelor flavored.

Gestalt will drink PBR and be preparing a heaping helping of snark.  Just like Mama Money used to make.

Carne Asada Tacos, SoPo Style

This one can be a little tricky, there’s a food processor involved.

2 standard cheese burgers – strip the buns, extras, and as best you can the cheese and condiments. Drop into food processor. Heh. This is the fun bit, GRIND THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

Feel better? Good. Get a skillet nice and hot with a little oil. Add your newly ground friends along with 2 shakes Worchestershire, 1tsp Chili Powder, 1 Tsp Cumin, a pinch of black pepper, and a small pinch Cayenne. Mix together until re-heated and beginning to brown. Keep stirring to keep the ground consistency. Add to a flour tortilla with a wee bit of shredded cheese, your favorite salsa (If you don’t have salsa in the fridge, we’re not on speaking terms any longer), and top with some of the surviving greens from Cash’s salad experiments. The only thing to note here is that over-grinding (though fun) may result in little bits of beef becoming stuck in the back of your throat upon consumption. No one wants that from a McD’s burger now, do they?

Gestalt: The secrets of Chipotle Grill, revealed.

Cash Money: Be careful to remove ALL the ketchup from the burger – McDonald’s ketchup is notoriously powerful and super sweet.  Makes the kiddies go wild.  Feel free to double down on the spice to help compensate.

Cash Money’s Reverse-Engineered Yakisoba

If you are a poor swingin’ bachelor like me, you have a fridge full of condiments.  Maybe you bought ‘em for that barbecue that one time, maybe they just came in the bag from the drive through, but don’t lie: you’ve got more condiments than you have actual food in the house.  I know you.  I am you. With that in mind, you can probably make this dish for under $2 if you play your cards right because you’ve probably already got all the fixin’s.

For this “recipe” you’ll need:

-1 container of Maruchan Teryaki Yakisoba (or as I like to call it “Executive Ramen”)

-1 McDonald’s side salad (from the fabled 99¢ menu)

-1 packet, McDonald’s BBQ sauce (any BBQ will do, really)

-Worcestershire sauce

-soy sauce

-black pepper

Step 1: Open up the side salad and huck the cherry tomatoes off your porch as hard as you can.

Don’t worry – they’re terribly unnatural an nothing could possibly grow from then in your neighbor’s yard.  But if they do… run.

You might want to get rid of the more twiggy bits of the salad, too, as they are particularly bitter and distracting in the final product.  Also, make sure you chop up the larger leaves a bit as much of a McDonald’s salad is made of giant, green Styrofoam balls.  Set this pile of yard work aside for the moment.

Step 2: Half-open the lid on the yakisoba container, remove the flava packets, crack open the dehydrated veggies and pour them along the sides of noodles.  Pour water into container up to the fill line but GOD HELP YOU should you fill it a millimeter more or less!  Maruchan, while adorable, is a fickle and unforgiving chan!

Step 3: Pop her in the microwave for the specified time on the packaged (4 minutes, let stand 1 minute).  Put a frying pan on the stove.  Put some oil of some kind in it.  Turn it on, make it hot.

Step 3.1: This is the part where I lean against the counter and take long pulls off a glass of over-iced Johnny Walker Black Label while I tell you about the yakisoba I had in Japan and how its actually the hotdog of Japanese noodles as its served, predominantly, during festival times and it’s prepared on a big ol’ hot grill with metal flipper-spatula deals.  It’s a lot of fun and there’s generally some finely sliced meat in it with some nice veggies but the real key is the yakisoba sauce.

“Over there,” I’ll say, wistfully looking off in the direction of the living room, “you just buy it.  In stores.  I can’t really describe it but it’s sort of like barbecue sauce but maybe with some soy in it or something…”

And Gestalt will be all, “What, like Raisin Sauce?”

And I’ll say, “No, it’s… it’s got more… I dunno, like…”

And he’ll sit down and start looking up recipes online for it and say, “Well, there’s a mess of different recipes for this stuff on here.  Is it made from rice wine or soy sauce?”

Etruscan: “Vending Machines on the street? Train stations? Monomer or Polymer?”

“Look, it just comes in a bag,” I’ll say and just about that time the microwave will ding.

Step 4: Open the yakisoba up and reverse engineere the yakisoba sauce by adding the teriyaki flava packet in its entirety, a splash of Worcestershire sauce, a splash of soy sauce, a pinch of pepper, and a smidge of BBQ sauce.  Make sure not to use any more than a tsp of BBQ sauce as it can quickly overpower the flavor.

Mix up the contents in the container.  By now the oil in the frying pan should be ready for action.  Heave all the contents of the yakisoba container into the pan and commence to grillin’ that stuff.

Step 5: Start mixing in the side salad.  (Does yours have cucumber in it?  Mine didn’t.  Where did that come from?  Get rid of that shit.)  Mix and keep grillin’ until the noodles are more or less dry and browning.

Step 6: Plate it.  If you are a True Blue Bachelor, this means throwing it all back into the yakisoba container whence it came, walking to the couch, plunking down and watching some Samurai Champloo.  In this case, we’ve got some fancy plates to make it look like we know what we are doing.

Not too shabby.  Since the salad is so unnatural and full of components designed NOT TO TURN BROWN WHEN THEY COME IN CONTACT WITH OXYGEN, the veggies will add a really VIBRANT amount of color to this otherwise blah dish.

Next!

Grilled Chicken Alfredo a la Danforth

Do not be afraid. It’s actually exactly what it sounds like.

You can cook pasta. Do so following the standard starchy directions. Al Dente is your goal.

Chicken is a no-brainer, just steal it from the grilled chicken salad, already pre-cooked and good to go as it is.

Now, as to this sauce thing…Not actually that hard, but it’s not recommended you step out for a cig during this process unless you’ve been doing this for 10+ years.

Melt 1 TBlsp butter in a small saucepan
Add 1 Tsp minced garlic and sauté lightly for about a minute
BEFORE garlic turns brown, cut the heat and stir in 2 Tsp white flour
Still stirring, return to low heat and cook for about a minute (this will get rid of that flour-y taste)
Slowly stir in 1/2 cup light cream or whole milk
Keep the mixture moving until it begins to thicken; this is where you get rid of any lumps.
Add a small amount of water until you get to about the consistency of warm chocolate syrup.
Add 1 Tblsp grated Parmesan
1 Tsp black pepper
Add additional water as needed to keep the thickness correct.

Once you’ve pulled the sauce together, just mix in your pre-cooked chicken and pasta, heat through, and you’re ready to serve.

Garnish with yet more salad sacrifices and a dollop or two of Sirhacha for kick and color.

Cash Money: Again, the vibrant salad greens give the dish a certain… glow.  Surprisingly, the chicken is not very noticeably McDonaldsy in flavor.

Cash Money’s Sweet & Saur Ramen

Now with extra bachelor!

Here’s what you will need for this treat:

-1 unit ramen noodles

-1 packet of McDonald’s sweet & saur sauce

Yep.  That’s it.

Step 1: Make ramen noodles.  Put the flava packet in that big jar of flava packets you keep for that day when you need a LOT of ramen flava packets for… something salty.

Step 2: Drain and cool the noodles.  You can run them under cold water and/or chuck them in the fridge.

Step 3: Mix in the packet of sweet & saur sauce.

Step 4: Be flippin’ amazed.

Etruscan:  “…that’s it?  No Butter?  No flour?”

Gestalt: “No roux?”

Etruscan: “What parallel world are we in that this is actually good?”

So there you have it!  Four recipes for the McAddict on budget who is also too fat to leave their kitchen.  I keed, I keed. While we have had a lot of fun (and booze) preparing this piece, it would be remiss of me not to mention the super spectacular site, Fancy Fast Food.  Their rules are far more stringent and, like the noble American Indian before us, use ALL the parts of the Value Meal in their work.  They turn out some really stunning product.

Mmmmmmyeck.

Related posts:

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2. Cash Money Culinary Challenge #2: Fast Food, Upgraded TRAPPED IN THE DRIVE THRU-You know, I wasn’t  really going...
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Hoo boy.
The heroes that I look to in my times of despair are mocking me.
That’s a… hoo… that’s a bad sign, right there.  Jeez!  Et Tu, Daily Show?

OOP!

Time to anesthetize!

Let’s drink heavily EAT!  And – you know what – let’s not do this halfway, let’s go to fucking McDONALD’S.

Awwww, what’s the matter, sweet pea?  Too good to enjoy a McNugget?  Think you can do better?  Sounds like a CULINARY CHALLENGE to me.

The CHALLENGE: to create a dish using ingredients from McDonald’s.  Could be an upgrade of classic menu item, could be using parts of items to create something completely new.  The sky is the limit and the budgetary concerns are actually pretty manageable.  The economy and all that.  Hell, even I will be getting into the act on this one, folks, so you’ve really got no excuse not to participate.

The RESULTS: we’ll post the results up here in a couple of weeks so get in the lab then post a comment down in the comment… post… thing… there on the bottom and we’ll try to contact you to add your submissions to the results post.

AND THEN FEED THEM TO ME!

Ja vol Mein oberst!

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Oh, Cash Money never forgets a challenge that involves him eating something and I will have you know this:

I won.

Why? Because I ate it.

Ha, ha, SUCKERS.

Etruscan’s take on the Cherry Teriyaki Challenge took kebab form featuring some really enthusiastically carved lamb from Hannaford’s, a little onion and green pepper, and more lamb.  The final product was plated in a very professional fashion with a disc of rice and nice salad.

The Cherry Teriyaki came in the form of the marinade which Etruscan assures me is pretty simple to make.  I believe our small group of researchers came to the conclusions that the cherry part of this experiment may have been a little on the conservative side and could probably stand to be cranked up some as the lamb took to the marinade nicely but has a strong flavor of its own that really seemed to dominate the much more subtle Cherry Teriyaki flavor.

I heartily welcome you to try your hand at this particular dish and Etruscan has been kind enough  to show his work on this equation:

Marinade:

2 Tblsp Teriyaki

2 cloves minced garlic

6 reconstituted dried whole cherries

3 Tblsp Maraschino juice

1 Tsp sesame oil

1 Tsp Sirhacha

-combine-

Etruscan:Using cherry preserves would work really well here too, and would make this more of a glaze. Can’t believe I didn’t think of that sooner.

Skewers:

12 pieces boneless Lamb, cut from the leg

12 chunks red onion

12 pieces green pepper

Salad:

Spring Mix, Red Cabbage, Julienned Carrots, Mustard Soy Dressing

Rice:

1/2 cup Jasmine Rice

1 cup water

2 chopped Scallions

2 Tsp ground Coriander

-skewer four pieces of each, Lamb, Onion, and Pepper per serving, add marinade and let sit for as long as possible-

-grill skewers until Lamb reaches an internal temperature of approx 150F for med-rare-

-Cook rice and combine salad ingredients-

-display as desired, serve immediately-

Victor of this Challenge: Cash Money

Don’t worry, folks, you will have ample opportunity to take on another Culinary Challenge on the soon-like.  Sweet, creamy victory may be yours but there is only one way to find out!

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However, do not mistake that episode for a lack of understanding of the fundamental concepts, precepts, and forceps of food.  I just… can’t do it.   As such, I prefer to come up with a cockamamie idea and challenge my culinarily-inclined associates to command performances!

So, where did I go mad with power today?  The Yum Mee Chinese Restaurant in Bath, obviously.   It’s not just the usual place where I usually go mad with power, it’s also just the usual place where I am to be found.

Today, I was having a little of the pork teriyaki, a rangoon, some meatballs, and a healthy side of greenbeans.  I like the teriyaki at Yum Mee because it’s on a stick, as all meat should be.

Usually, they boast a fine chicken teriyaki and beef teriyaki, but for the lunch buffet, there is always pork teriyaki.  I think this is what they do with last night’s unused boneless spare rib pork.  Pretty tasty but it got me thinking about the boneless spare ribs and wondering about how they get it that magenta color.  Then I started thinking about how I probably wouldn’t WANT to know how the get it that magenta color but that I did indeed enjoy the sort of cherry flavor that the ribs usually have.  Backtrack to the teriyaki pork, which is usually tasting like the cherries and there it is… an unhealthy jones for something that may or may not exist.

Well, it does exist.  But I’ve never had it so it may as well not have.

CULINARY YAHOOS… ASSEMBLE! And make me grub.

The CHALLENGE: to create a dish using teriyaki and cherry flavors (flavours) in either marinade or other fancy sounding whatnot.

The STIPULATIONS: You are NOT allowed to use actual Cheriyaki.  For the purposes of this challenge, Cheriyaki does not exist.  GOD help you, if I find Cheriyaki anywhere in your submissions!

The RESULTS: post ‘em down in the comment dealie there.  AND THEN FEED THEM TO ME!

It. Is. ON.

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Cut to Kon Asian Bistro.

First break in stir craziness in a good long while and it’s nice to be around adults my age who don’t wear shorts to work.  A first for me: I’m over dressed, but— good news— somehow, I’m still the asshole for it.  Doesn’t matter; I’m turbo stoked to see someone throw vittles around on a grill then eat ‘em.    A few burned maitais and it’s Go Time.

Enter Hibachi Guy.

He doesn’t speak, might not speak English at all, but he makes a lot of excited noises.  He’s got the same schtick as the rest of the guys at the other grills: bang these things together, flip this dealie, put this oil on the grill, light it on fire, use bizarre hardhat-wearing figurine to piss fire out then piss on me.  I make sure to act delighted that I’ve been peed on.  Another first.

Now, I’d watched his compatriot earlier and the next step in the act is to spin an egg on the grill, then flip it up into his toque, spin another then into the breast pocket, HO-EY!

It’s our turn now and the egg spins, AH-HEY! into the toque.  And now spin the second, the pitch to the pocket and— like every basketball I’ve ever thrown— no dice, THWACK on the grill.  Yoke’s broken and everything.  Can’t even go over easy on this one.  All upbeat conversation around the grill stops.  Hibachi Guy missed the egg.

It’s a house of cards; he promptly loses his shit and drops his hash-brown flipper (yes, I know that that thing really is, you can’t fool me).

But this is actually when I respect him the most.  He is totally pissed off.  All the HEY and AH-HOY shuck-and-jive has totally dried up.  He goes through his flipper cleaning process, grim, and I’ve seen this sort of ritual before.  Usually, it involves wrapping a piece of paper around the blade of your tant? so you can get a good reverse grip before digging it into your intestinal tract to begin its arduous triangle-shaped journey around the center of your being.

And do you know why?  Because he’s a Pro. And then he starts cooking.  Eyes down, pissed. It’s shot.  Was there something he was supposed to do with Hat Egg?  Who cares, mix it with the other egg, it’s all going into the same place (fried rice) anyway, right?

He could have played-off missing the pocket.  I would have played it off.  Were I in his place, I would have had pre-packaged schtick— contingency schtick— just for this sort of event.   But he didn’t.  I expect to screw up and so I build in backups to pretty much everything I do every day.   He didn’t plan for what to do if he botched the pocket egg because the concept of missing the pocket hadn’t even entered into his mind.  All he had to fall back on was simply cooking the meal with his head down, pride shot all to hell.

And was the meal good?  It was flippin’ great.  This is the other side of it.  I was certain that a hibachi was no place for a scallop for that long and I’ll be damned if they weren’t perfect.  I’m pretty sure the yuppies across the grill from my party were sort of let down, though.  Their meal might not have been as delicious as mine—it was way more bitter.  Why?  Because they didn’t understand difference between Expertise and Professionalism.  They didn’t.   The difference?  Consistently or, when the situation goes tits up, being able to keep the important part of the situation intact, being able to make a heap of missed egg into ridiculously tasty heap pork fried rice.

Miss the egg, wash your flipper, make the scallops.

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