BERLIN- Yes, after nearly seven decades of emasculation, it was with great relief that Germany today announced that, in quiet, understated ceremony held at The Reichstag Building, the U.N. Council of Gonad and Gonad-related Policy has returned, en masse, Germany’s testicles.

All around the country, Germany’s men and women alike, rejoiced.

“I really cannot express how wonderful it is to have my kugeln,” said, Dieter Amsel, 26, Düsseldorf. “It is an astonishing feeling. I feel more confident than I have in years.”

Of course, Amsel is far too young to remember a time when Germany did indeed have nuts to boast about.  Too much, some historians would say.

“I, for one, think the return of Germany’s balls is something to be monitored closely by the international populous,” warned professor Sharon DeWalt, Ph.D, Chair of Dartmouth College’s German Studies program.  ”It seems like the U.N. has forgotten that pure, sack-fueled hurbis nearly brought the world to its knees in the first part of the 20th century.  I mean, [Germany was] swinging those things all over the place.  First they dropped their nuts on Europe and then they teabagged England and it wouldn’t have been long before they were resting them on the chins of every American man, woman, and child.  We would do well not to forget the past.”

But, besides a few isolated skeptics, most view the return of Germany’s junk with joy.  One is Munich resident, Karl Fassbinder, who had his nuts taken shortly after the close of WW II as part of reparations.

“I was only 13 years old,” Fassbinder, now 77, recalls.  ”I don’t even really remember having them, so to speak.  I’d only really been aware of them for a short time when my papa, my two brothers and I had to hand them over.”

Giving his nards a little squeeze, Fassbinder noted with a grin, “I think today is, for me -and my wife!- the happiest day of my life.”

 

Germany’s newly reclaimed testicular fortitude has already caused quite a stir with two notable events heralding the way of “deez nutz.”

 

Get up earlier, Germans tell Greeks

German pensioner gang guilty of holding financial adviser hostage

Tags: Politics // Add Comment »

illustrations by Cash Money

Drawing from a collective unconscious (in which his belief is tenuous at best), Cash asked me why the ones and zeroes in one computer weren’t any good to another. Why can’t we just hook an Atari cartridge up to a Windows machine and have it work?

I promised him that I would explain it. I promised him that the expansion of your mind would be collateral damage.

Eeeverybody knows that what happens inside a computer can be fundamentally broken down into 1 and 0, over and over and over again. Too bad that’s WRONG. The inside of a computer is not a blackboard. It’s not your math homework. Stop watching ReBoot, because you will never see tiny digits racing purposefully around in your laptop’s innards.

What a computer is is a myriad of tiny automatic electrical switches, discerning not 1 from 0, but rather ON from OFF.

The simplest computer you use each day is a light switch. You want light, so you input a perfectly simple program with the switch on the wall. You flip the toggle, an internal mechanism connects electrical wires, and somewhere in the room that electricity fires up a light bulb. You don’t enter 1 or 0 or anything else into that switch. You just turn it ON and the mechanism does its thing.

If turning on (or off) a light bulb is a dead-simple program, a slightly more complex one gets a train to its destination over a series of track switches. At each junction the train can be switched to the right or the left, like a squirrel choosing which branches to follow as it climbs a tree. Left-left-right-left will get the train to a different location than right-left-left-right. We can say that one place is Topeka and the other is St. Louis, but as far as the train is concerned it’s enough to say left-left-right-left and right-left-left-right. On-on-off-on and off-on-on-off. Those tiny sequences of data are programs, or at least commands, which lead consistently to the same result.

…continue reading One and ZERO – Part 01

Tags: Technophilia, Uncategorized // Add Comment »

Crater Lake – I’m going to try real hard to list all the things I like about the moon. Let me think for a minute.

OK.

I can only come up with two:

1.) looks nice (except when it magically ALWAYS manages to find that one half inch crack in my blind and hit me RIGHT in the fucking eye when I’m trying to sleep. What are the goddamn odds?)

2.) controls tides which are fun to try to explain to people from The Midwest:

“So let me get this straight… the ocean. It goes up and down?”

“Well, really more in and out, but yeah, it goes up and down, too.”

“And how much does it go up and down? Like, can you tell?”

“Oh, yeah. In some places it goes up and down much as nine feet.”

“Nine feet?! Are you fucking joking me? And how often does this happen? Like over the course of a few weeks or what?”

“No, up and down basically twice a day.”

“TWICE A DAY? And, what, pray tell, that makes the ocean… THE WHOLE FUCKING OCEAN… go up and down or in and out… twice a day?”

“The Moon.”

“GO TO HELL!”

Other than those two things, I really gotta say, fuck the moon.

 

…continue reading FUCK THE MOON.

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Oh, my world is complete Mother Fuckers!

This music video by Muse reminds me of a Bruce Campbell meets Fire Fly meets Bruce Lee meets Tom Petty meets Muse.  Seriously, why did I not know of this before?!$#*

This is amazing…I don’t think I’ve seen something that has appealed to all my geekery juices before.  All I can do is smile and let the geek flow!

 

Tags: Aesthetiophilia, Audiophilia, Videophilia // Add Comment »

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I’ve been holding onto this one for a while in the hopes that I’d be able to find more information on it trawling the interwebz. Strangely though, said ‘webz have proved to be uncharacteristically silent on the matter, all the mentions I encountered seemed to ape the same short plot summary, and nothing more. Which in and of itself is intriguing enough. I’d first heard it mentioned in a forum thread on experimental anime, which seems a bit off considering the titles that usually make it into such a conversation. Nevertheless though, it does have a somewhat peculiar style of animation (though certainly not without precedent), and the story itself is interesting. Normal bloke suddenly finds himself being haunted by phantom Toyko subway train.

Hmmm.

Have a look for yourself, here’s Take the X Train.

…continue reading Friday Night Anime Block: Take the X Train

Tags: Aesthetiophilia, Videophilia // Add Comment »

TEH INTERW0RBZ – One of the few things that keeps me walking in the door at work during the day is the promise of a new day of online comics.  That and my secret Wild Turkey depository.

The following is the complete list of comics I read every goddamn day… or… whenever they happened to be updated which, for some, is grievously occasional.

For each series featured, I am simply pulling whatever comic is up today, warts and all, on this – Thursday, March 11, in the year 2010 of our Lord, Rahm Emanuel.

 

OK, let’s get it on here.

  …continue reading Get into comics… The Cash Money Way! Supplementary: Online Comics

Tags: Aesthetiophilia, Pictoriphilia // Add Comment »

I know I’ve been conspicuously absent these past weeks.  I could describe an elaborate sob story about how busy I’ve been, but the truth is these guys have me locked up in their basement.  Enjoy.

 

 

 

Tags: Aesthetiophilia, Audiophilia, I should probably go to bed, Videophilia // Add Comment »